Drive-by Shooting Etiquette*
American society is getting increasingly impersonal these days, and I for one find that very disturbing. Everything is geared towards mass consumption, and while that may mean that a slight majority of the population is satisfied with the latest Doritos flavor, it also means that the vast minority of the population that doesn’t like ‘Zesty Spicy Ranch ‘N Cheese Extreme Doritos 4-D!’ is fucking screwed.
There’s signs of depersonalization everywhere. Take violence, for example. In prehistoric times, if you had a problem with someone you had to walk up to them and bash them over the head with a club. But of course you’d have been eaten by dinosaurs first, or if Land of the Lost is any indication you’d be intercepted by Sleestaks. Sleestaks, for those of you lucky enough to have no exposure to 1970’s Saturday morning television, were possibly the most horrific and evil beings ever thought up. If you were to wander into their domain, they’d shuffle slowly towards you and hiss! That’s some scary shit, right there.
Anyway, whether clubbing people over the head, getting eaten by dinosuars, or leisurely escaping a pack of semi-mobile Sleestaks, you had actual interaction with other beings back then. But not these days. These days you can just drive by and fling lead at someone. I mean, hey, you’d hate to miss your favorite WB shows, so why bother getting out of the car to commit a murder? I was about to write that I was amazed that www.drivebyshooting.com isn’t being used to depersonalize violence even further, but guess what? Someone bought it and now that domain’s out there, waiting for someone (maybe you!) to buy it from them.
Can you imagine the 90’s dotcom mentality that resulted in someone actually reserving that domain name? ‘We’re going to update the drive-by shooting by letting people fill out online calendars so they can maximize their time. You’ll be able to organize all your drive-bys on the internet! Also, we’ll let people network in chat rooms so that they can utilize synergy or something. Anyway, we’ve got $143 million in venture capital funding and we’ll go for an IPO just as soon as we can figure out what IPO stands for.’ Morons.
Well, I’ve fucking had it. It’s time for things to change, and I’m starting with the drive-by shooting. We can make this particular slice of Americana so much more personal and meaningful than it is right now, and here’s how:
Step One: Selecting a Victim
This step, believe it or not, is often overlooked by your standard drive-by artist. How often do you hear about someone spraying a crowd with an AK-47, sending 15 to the hospital? There can be no better way to announce to the world that you are full of rage, but aren’t smart enough to hone that rage into a meaningful anti-social statement. If that’s you, you don’t belong behind the wheel, you belong at the fucking Post Office.
Select your victim with care. Make a list of potential candidates. Start off with people who have physically abused you, such as your pimp, an old elementary school bully, or your local Catholic priest. If you haven’t been abused physically, how about people who have abused you emotionally? Remember that time you caught your college sweetheart having sex with your best friend? Remember how you told them you were going to kill them both? Well, maybe it’s time you kept your word, Mr. Procrastinator!
If you still can’t think of anyone you want to kill, hell, just pick a couple of names out of a phone book. Yes, this can be very impersonal, but not if you stalk them for a couple of years first before gunning them down! The key to picking a victim is to make sure that they know you, and that they know what they did wrong, whether that was beating you up, cheating on you, or being stupid enough to have their name listed in the phone book.
Step Two: Selecting a Weapon
Most people make the mistake of selecting a tremendously powerful weapon that is capable of shooting 70,000 rounds per second. This is wrong. This gives your victim the impression that you hate them, but not enough to want to spend time aiming or anything. How very rude. Instead of blowing your victim into tiny little bits, you may want to consider alternative methods.
For example, an AK-47 is impersonal, but a .45 is less so. A .38 would be even more personal, and a .22? Hell, using a .22 is practically considered a polite hello in Detroit. But why stick with guns at all? A drive-by knifing would be a very classy way of telling someone that you hate them so much that you’re willing to get their blood on your clothes. Or what about a drive-by strangling? That’s certainly more sporting in that it gives the victim a change to fight back. Of course, it’s hard to grab someone by the neck when you’re rocketing down the street at 50 miles per hour, but if you miss the first time you’re free to do whatever you want the next time around. That’s the way it works. The first attempt let the victim know what you’re up to, and if they’re stupid enough to still be on the street after you’ve circled the block, they deserve whatever they get, even if you fire a tactical nuke at them.
Step Three: Selecting a Vehicle
The common choice of vehicle for the drive-by is, of course, the stolen vehicle. This is very low class. It fails to let your victim know who is after them, and usually results in the victim bleeding to death while thinking, ‘Who do I know that drives a Mazda Miata?’ Of course, if you use your own vehicle you will probably get tracked down by the police very quickly and spend the rest of your life getting ‘poop-chute acupuncture’ in prison, and it doesn’t get much more impersonal than that.
What to do? Well, if you can’t use your car, and you can’t steal one, you probably need to borrow one. Maybe your mom won’t mind. Just do your drive-by, and afterwards calmly tell your mother that you’re not home as you’re hiding under her bed and the police are surrounding the house.
Now some of you imaginative types out there may be asking yourselves, ‘Why restrict yourself to the automobile?’ I’ll tell you why. Because if you’re going to kill someone in a drive-by you want people to fear you, and if you ride up in a horse and buggy people aren’t going to think you’re fearsome, they’re going to think you’re fucking Amish.
Step Four: What to Say
Nothing is more critical than what you say as you send your victim straight to hell, or heaven if you happen to be killing someone who didn’t deserve it. ‘Fuck you!’ is absolutely out of the question as it is too cold and uninformative. On the other hand, you don’t want to get too personal: ‘Hi, I’m Bob Thompson, and I’ll be your murderer this evening! In case you were wondering, I’m killing you because you once rubbed up against my girlfriend in the subway. If you have any questions while I’m busting this cap in your ass, please feel free to let me know!’ Shit, by the time you get done saying that, you’ll be half-way through your grand jury indictment.
So try to be informative and personal, but without getting too wordy. ‘That’s for firing me last week, Tim!’ is good. So is, ‘Let’s see you molest me now, Monsignor!’ One final word about your drive-by phrase: You may be tempted to spout gibberish in an attempt to cover your ass should you be caught. Resist this temptation. Using the insanity defense is horribly impersonal, as it makes your victim seem to have died for no reason other than you forgot to take your medication.
Step Five: How to Flee
The last impression you will make on your victim will be as you are fleeing the scene. Look, you’ve taken the poor bastard’s life, try not to make things worse by seeming not to care. Look back a couple of times, maybe wave goodbye. That’s classy. It lets your victim know that even though you’re a murderer, you’re still a human being. Your victim, faith in humanity restored, can then expire in peace.
If, on the other hand, your victim looks up to see you calmly driving down the street while fiddling with the stereo, they’re going to die thinking rather less of you, and you wouldn’t want that, would you?
So you see, even the most repugnant of crimes can be made more palatable with a little bit of common sense, thoughtfulness, and compassion. Now if you’ll excuse me, the new phone books are here.
* this article found on stonedgecko.com